• Michael Noctor

Butter Trauma, Throwing Away Money and Killing Birds

I’ve been a butter snob for as long as I remember and have had no problem spending 3.50 on a pound of Kerrygold even though I often asked myself if I’d be able to tell the difference between a scone covered with heaps of Kerrygold and one with cheaper Tesco butter and admitted to myself that I would not know the difference, I would still fork out the extra one Euro and thirty-one cent because it made me feel good. I liked being a butter snob. Even in my homeless (living in my car) days I would buy the slab of gold from Kerry.

Today I am majorly pissed off. When I saw the price increase of twenty-five cent, resulting in a cost of 3.75 for a pound of the butter whose name will never pass my lips (or fingertips) again, I be like ... No fookin’ way!

I bought the cheaper version and for pig iron I buttered a cracker with each kind. One is paler than the other, but just like Peter Kay’s Cadbury’s Spanish Chocolate Fingeres – they taste same.

On today’s purchase I saved one Euro and seventy-six cents. That’s insane. Then I walked away from the self-serving till leaving four Euro and seventy-cent in the machine. I be like … No fookin’ way!

On the way home, a swarm of birds violently crossed Rathmines Road Upper. One of the little buggers clipped my head – I was wearing a woollen hat, thankfully. I hate birds with two exceptions, chicken and turkey, because they taste nice. Apart from that birds do fook all for society and I have googled it and the measly things they do do are so negligible and irrelevant, in my opinion, that they are not worth mentioning.

A flock of birds collided with a Ryan Air flight recently and the plane had to do an emergency landing. I’m glad I wasn’t on that plane! There should be a cull on birds, apart from chickens and turkeys for aforementioned reasons, and a good place to start would be Rathmines or Stephen’s Green where the little blighters are always shitting on Robert Emmet’s head. Nobody knows where his head is, so I am obviously talking about his statue.

I am sending the four Euro and seventy cents into the universe; like I have any choice!