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  • Michael Noctor

A Real Irish Alcoholic

I'm Irish. I'm an Alcoholic. There's one thing that gets right up my snot

People sayin' they're Alcoholics when they're fuckin' not

I'm a Functional Alcoholic ... What a load of shite

They read it on some American website


They monitor their unit intake

That's not drinkin', for fuck sake

They get counsellin' and burst out in tears

Most of them have nothin' between the ears

Come and take some lessons from me

See up close and personal how an Alco should be



Slip off a bar stool, fall flat on your face

Start two fights staggerin' out of the place

Go home to the missus and start a big row

Tell her she's a big fat ugly cow - who ruined yer life


Wake up at four, still out of your head

Toilet too far so piss in the bed

Wake up at five, belch and roar

Lean out of the bed and puke on the floor

Go back asleep, get up about ten

Time to start drinkin' again


To all you Social and Functional Alcoholics

You shower give me a pain in me bollix

I swear to Jaysus, ya's don't have a clue

I'm a real Irish Alcoholic ... Don't know about fuckin' you